Since I completed my extensive training with Studio Sanctuary in June of last year (2019), a lot of people have asked me what I’ve learned and there is so much that I could write a book. The most valuable thing I have learned is so simple and universal that it seems ridiculous that it is something I had to learn, but here it is: Ask for what you want!

It almost sounds stupid, doesn’t it? But I don’t do it consistently in life. I don’t know anyone who does. I’ve drunk an entire, wrongly made, almond milk mocha because it seemed like an insulting imposition to ask someone to remake it the way I requested.

Asking for what you want is scary! It means putting yourself and your desires out into the world. It means showing vulnerability. It could offend someone.

I have had discussions with many people who believe that someone in a submissive position should not express their own wants, but I vehemently disagree. Being a bottom does not mean that you aren’t an autonomous individual. Just because you’re a Top or a Dominant does not mean you are a mind reader. Giving your bottoming play partner a reward is far simpler if they simply tell you what they would find rewarding.

“Whatever You want, Mistress” is NOT an answer!

Okay, slut, we’re going to have playtime. You’ve earned it. What do you want to do today?

“Whatever You want, Mistress.”

Admirable sentiment, but not what I asked. There are days that I’m inclined to punish for that answer because it is insubordinate. It is taking my desire as a Top to understand your current mindset and throwing it back in my face. And it is not a substitute for “I’m not sure, Mistress, could you please suggest some things?”

If I am asking what you want, I am asking for your vulnerability. I am asking for your trust. Giving that answer to me is a sign of submission because let’s face it:

A desire is not an entitlement.

Asking for what you want never means you will definitely get it. Ever! The world isn’t, strictly speaking, fair. Your Mistress asks what you want and what you desire most is for your Mistress to wear that stunning red latex catsuit with those knee-high boots you gifted her last month. You can be the best, most obedient submissive on Earth; sweet, thoughtful, and respectful – yet she doesn’t wear it when requested.

But you were good! And thoughtful! And you were asked what you wanted!!

It’s 90% humidity (which makes latex almost impossible to put on if it is fitted correctly). And she just got waxed this morning. And she had a beer last night so she’s feeling a little bloated. And she doesn’t tell you her reasoning because, frankly, it’s none of your business.

At the other end of the power exchange, You and your submissive have been discussing pushing his limits and you really think tonight is the night! So you ask if he can handle it.

And he says no, he’s not ready yet. And your feelings are hurt because you thought he wanted to submit to you more fully, but he’s been struggling with his anxiety and he isn’t in a great place emotionally but you didn’t know because you’ve been too busy with your own life’s challenges to notice. And he didn’t want to bother you with it.

Not getting what you want isn’t a slight, not asking is.

It’s still better to try!

Say you ask for ten things you want and you only get one of them. Bummer, right?!

But would you have gotten that one if you hadn’t spoken up? Does the person that you are asking understand your desires a little better? Did you really fail nine times? No, you succeeded one time!  And success builds upon success.

Let’s apply this to real life.

Ask your wife to wear that dress you love because even if she doesn’t, it will tell her that you notice and admire her.

Ask your Master to use the paddle you love and, even if he doesn’t use it when you ask, he may use it in the future as a reward.

Ask to see the other barber in the shop because you think he does a better job.

Ask to talk to a supervisor because the customer service representative doesn’t have the power to resolve your legitimate gripe.

Ask for a new drink because this is not what you ordered.